Atheists, according to Mollie Ziegler Hemingway of the Wall Street Journal, are no more rational than theists. In fact, they are a mite more superstitious, or so she says in a recent article titled “Look Who’s Irrational Now.” Apparently, 8% of those “who attended a house of worship” claimed belief in palm readings, astrology, and undead visitations, compared to a staggering 31% of the unchurched, including “avowed atheists.” Even more stunning is the fact that quite a few of these so-called atheists pray or proclaim belief in a personal God. How these people can still pass for atheists, who by definition do not believe in any kind of god whatsoever, is not addressed in Ms. Hemingway’s article.

Hemingway’s thesis is that, contrary to the claims of Richard Dawkins and others of the New Atheist movement, a culture of freethought would not increase reason and decrease superstition. In fact, if you want to be in touch with reality, good ol’ traditional Christianity is the way to go. Some atheists would be bothered by this assertion, claiming holes in Ms. Hemingway’s logic. But I for one am elated by this development. You see, I’m an irrational atheist, and I’m getting rather tired of pretending I’m some paragon of rationality.

Now, you may accuse me of laziness, backsliding, hypocrisy, but that’s hardly the case. By learning that at least 36% of me believes in palm reading, alien abductions, the Loch Ness Monster and foretelling the future, I know, for the first time in my life, where I’ve gone wrong. I thought not believing in God was the most reasonable course of action, but now I know I need to give my Heart and Soul to Him to see the world as it really is. Now that I think of it, demonic posession, exorcisms, speaking in tongues, miracles, transubstantiation, faith healing are perfectly reasonable, normal, natural events. How could I be so blind?

You other atheists may think I need a dose of Chill Down and Face the Facts. I know I have a lot of problems. I am a diagnosed mental case after all. But it’s so relieving to know that all I need to do is hope really really hard and forgive that bearded old minister for touching me inappropriately, and it’ll all go away!

But no! you say, be you Christian or otherwise, it doesn’t work that way! Of course it doesn’t! God’s ways are mysterious! Got it? Myst-eer-i-ous. If he were to just grant all my prayers, it’d be too obvious, too simple. He has to make it look like the exact opposite of what actually happened is the truth. Why? Well... he’s mysterious, see?

And I can just see some of you so-called “rational” Christians objecting to my newfound blind faith. “That’s not us!” you say, “I don’t believe in demonic posession, pat answers to prayers or any of that bullshit.” Then why weren’t these things listed on the Gallup poll that Ms. Hemingway cited? Why were only non-Christian, occult superstitions listed, and not the Bible codes or transubstantiation? If they weren’t listed, they can’t truly be superstitions. And if Ms. Hemingway did not object to these notions, they must be okay for rational, reasonable Christians to believe.

And therin lies the problem with your Gallup poll: it fails to recognize that religion contains superstitions that compete with pop mysticism. If you had included my list of demonic posession, exorcisms, faith healing and transubstantiation in your investigation, I’m certain you would have found at least 31% of churchgoers believe in those kinds of things. But I’m just teasing. Religion is inherently rational and incredulous. After all, believing in an invisible superman who reads your thoughts but doesn’t answer them because he’s too busy playing peek-a-boo with Baby Jesus can’t be a superstition, right?